The Sentence

(Originally published January 22, 2015)

I was rereading my last entry and I can’t believe that final sentence.

I call it The Sentence.  I’ve read or heard a million versions of it: “In zen, when we x, we just x.” It is ubiquitous in zen books and talks and it pisses me off each time I hear it, especially when they whisper it in that soft talking-to-a-child tone that I like to  call The Annoying Zen Voice.

I sometimes use that voice myself.

I swore, though, that I would never use The Sentence. That was a bridge too far.

When we wash the dishes we wash the dishes. When we sit we Just Sit. When we shoot heroin into our eyeballs, we are literally just shooting heroin into our eyeballs.

Shut up. I hate you. You can’t pass off an obvious truism as meaningful spiritual teaching just because you said it in your Zen Voice.

My reaction is the same when I read it. It takes me three quarters of a second for my eyes to scan the words, but in that fraction of time I feel like I’m serving a life sentence in frustration and annoyance.

Sadly, my reaction only reinforces the very point the zen literalists are trying to make.

When I listen to the sentence, I am thinking, 'Don’t say it, don’t saayy it, Ahh! You said it and now I’ve no option but to dub thee Pretentious F**k, even though I want to like and admire you so maybe I’ll pretend you didn’t say The Sentence by treating it like an involuntary Buddhist verbal tic or a bunch of meaningless sounds the way I do when bureaucrats say “outcome-based synergistic strategic orientation” or dental hygienists say, “Floss more.”'

When more advanced trainees are listening to the sentence they are literally just listening to the sentence.

The Sentence is true, and I have used it. Written it on the internet even. Unironically.

I will now punch myself in the face. But not literally punch myself in the face.

I’m not THAT zen.