People Are Sad

I’ve been telling people I’m leaving for the monastery. Many of them are sad about it.

I’m surprised about that, and I’m also surprised that I’m surprised.  I knew they might be sad...and I also never expected them to be sad.

I also feel guilty. The whole point of Mahayana Buddhism is to end the suffering of all beings. In the bodhisattva vows we take every couple weeks, we promise to remain in the world until all beings are saved. Being a source of sadness to those I care about most by leaving for the mountains seems like a step in the wrong direction.

That‘s the scary thing about impermanence. There truly is nothing to stand on.  It’s not just that that I’m subject to loss and change and grief, but so are the people I care about. They are also going to experience these things, and however much I might want to, there’s nothing I can do to change that.

Except that’s not true in this particular case, is it? There is indeed something I could do: I could stay. I might not be able to spare the people I love the experience of loss, but by remaining here I could spare them from this specific loss at this specific time.

Saving all beings, right? That’s the bodhisattva way. And what better beings to start with than the ones I love and will miss the most?

The answer, when I search my heart, is this: Because that is not the kind of saving any of us need.

On the surface the bodhisattva commitment to saving all beings in all times and all places for eternity appears like an impossible task. It probably would be impossible except for one small thing bodhisattvas have working in their favor: all beings are saved already.

In other words, we’re all doing okay. We just don’t know it, and as a consequence, we create suffering for ourselves trying to solve problems we don‘t actually have.

My loved ones don’t need me to make choices to stop them from feeling sad. Furthermore, I do not need to make choices to shield myself from feeling guilty. Sadness, guilt, second-guessing, worry…these are normal parts of the process. It might be more cause for concern if some of those feelings WEREN’T there.

I don’t like that people are sad. I don’t like that I am also sad. I also don’t like that I feel guilty that people are sad, and I don’t like that I’m also happy people are sad because it means they will miss me, and I don’t like that I am worrying about many many many things. It’s uncomfortable.

It’s uncomfortable and it is also where things are.

And none of us need saving from that.