The C-Word

Becoming a monk involves giving up big things and little things. Big things include my job, my condo, my independence, the clothes I wear, even my name.

It's the little impending losses I feel more sharply. Moving away from my friends and family is too abstract to wrap my head around right now. The realization that I might never know how Game Of Thrones ends, on the other hand….that gets me. I’ve been reading those books since the late-nineties.

The elephant in the renunciation room though, is celibacy. It’s subject about which people are both deeply curious and ashamed to ask.

It wouldn’t surprise me if a lot of our attitudes about celibacy--and sex in general--come from our culture. For example my father grew up in a Catholic neighbourhood. Priests and nuns were an active part of his community. In that era, celibacy was an accepted choice within society. Being gay or non-monogamous, on the other hand, was seen as abnormal, perhaps even a sign of mental disorder.

Over the last sixty years, it seems like there has been a societal shift. Thankfully, we are becoming more comfortable with alternative sexual lifestyles and orientations. In fact, we are so comfortable with sex--perhaps even sex-obsessed--that now celibacy is perceived as freakish, weird, unhealthy, or against the laws of man and nature.

And yet have any of these things really changed? There have always been gay people, straight people, and those who are interested in a little of both. There have always been people who have done monogamy, non-monogamy, and celibacy--admittedly with varying degrees of success. But our attitude towards these lifestyles seems to ebb and flow.

Of course, maybe these people aren’t thinking of celibacy on a cultural level. Maybe they are wondering about celibacy and me particularly. It’s a reasonable question to ask given that I spent four years giving advice on sex and dating, and much of that advice was drawn from my own experience.

All I can say is, I can be sex-positive without being celibacy-negative. At this point, I don’t see any spiritual advantage to celibacy, but I can get behind it for a lot of practical reasons. So while I don’t expect to wake up each morning and burst into song about not being allowed to feel the curve of a woman’s hip under my palm, it isn’t a deal-breaker either.

I admit, there’s irony at work. After failed relationship after failed relationship, my romantic life in the couple years before I made the decision to try monasticism has been a happy one. I’m finally at the point where I’m confident in my ability to be a good romantic partner…and now I’m seeking a vocation that asks me to give that up.

Here’s another irony though. My romantically adventurous life has actually left me more confident in my ability to maintain celibacy. I don’t have any unfinished business--I know what I’m giving up. My sex life has been rich enough that I can move on without feeling like I‘ve missed out on anything.

Over the course of those active years, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I also know what I’m attracted to, what my triggers are, and what situations are risky for me and how to avoid them. I know what might tempt me and I know what to do to prevent the situation before it gets out of hand.

So, in conclusion, celibacy will not be a problem for me, and I am not at all nervous about it. Not even a little bit. I don't know why I even brought it up.

So...how about that Game of Thrones?